Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
