I want to have your abortion
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize