Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
