Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
