Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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