I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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