Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
