my phone needs a breathalizer
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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