She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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