He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
