I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
