thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
