I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
