I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
