i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
