Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize