Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
