I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Apparently you make a good broom.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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