I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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