i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
