life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
