I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
