I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize