why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
