we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I know her cup size but not her name....
God, I missed his penis.
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