my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
