I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Randomize
