I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
