I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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