the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
