My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize