i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
