haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
