apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
