yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
