Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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