I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
