I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
