I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just invented taco cereal.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
