I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
