It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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