Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
