and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
