I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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