i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
the raccoons are back...
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