The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize