i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
