FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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