I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
