Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
