At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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