people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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