So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
