since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
