I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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