i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
