the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize