I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
