so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
