my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
