Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
