I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
