hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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