my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
